I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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