I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
