I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
