bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
