I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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