Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
