Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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