Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
