She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
