you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
