Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
