i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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