I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
