six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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