I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
