I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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