I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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