OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I cannot find my penis.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
