the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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