Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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