after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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