remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
