I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
