Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
