If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
where am i from again
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
