My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
