turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
