Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
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