You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You were trust falling into bushes
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
