I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Is Oprah even human
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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