mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
