I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
