This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
