apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
