hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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