So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
