I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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