I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
