They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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