Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
worst night to have a conscience
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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