Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
worst night to have a conscience
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
