can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
