Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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