I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
