the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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