Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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