yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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