Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?