as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
These 19 People Had Awkward Celebrity Sex Dreams
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni