Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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