Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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