Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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