I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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