you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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