I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
