Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
