just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
