what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
