Will you blow on my dice?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
