My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
